Sleeper Pick

YOOOOOOO Sports!!!!!!!

Am I the only Pats fan furious about Matt Cassel getting franchised?

By this guy’s count, there are at least 7 teams that would kill to start Tom Terrific’s back up, who is making 14 million next year ($13,970,000 more then this guy.) “How nice,” you think to yourself, “to know that if number 12 doesn’t start the season at least that guy’s team has a quarterback in the bullpen (take that mixed sports analogies!) who last threw for 3700 yards and 21 TD’s.” Why wouldn’t the lot of you think that this guy is all cheesed that the Patriots have found a potential life after Tom Brady?

COMMANDMENT ONE OF TEN : THERE IS NO LIFE AFTER TOM BRADY.

(still debating on whether “COMMANDMENT ONE OF TEN: THOU SHALL NOT LIVE A LIFE AFTER TOM BRADY” was funnier)

I’m gonna give it to you raw right now (that’s what she said): The Patriots dropping 14 million on Matt Cassel is the biggest slap to Tom Brady’s face since Bridget Moynahan found out 12 wasn’t going to get back together with her (even though she pulled the goalie on the quarterback (2 for 2 on mixed sports analogies) to try and pry Mr. Cool from the  richest supermodel in the world (but, but I was in IROBOT!)))


YO E, I GET WHAT YOU’RE SAYING BUT COME ON MAN MATT CASSEL WAS GOOD THIS YEAR. 20 TOUCHDOWNS!

Here’s a list of a some quarterbacks who thrown for 20 plus TD’s in the last 10 years:

Steve Beuerlein

Jeff George

Elvis Grbac

Mark Brunell

Aaron Brooks

Jay Fiedler

Brian Griese

Rex Grossman

Derek Anderson

Here’s a list of quarterbacks who have won 3 or more Super Bowls:

Terry Bradshaw

Joe Montana

Troy Aikman

Tom Brady.

Point being? 20 touchdowns isn’t that hard in today’s NFL, winning 3 Super Bowls is (the kind of analysis you get, only @ Sleeper Pick). In fact, I’ll argue that with Cassel’s weapons – he should of have had 30. Here’s another stat for you: Brady’s only thrown fewer then 20 touchdowns ONCE in his career, and he only started 14 games that year and STILL got 18 (as well as something us in the business like to call a Super Bowl MVP.)

AY DOG YOU TRIPPIN,’ WHAT’S WRONG WITH A 14 MILLION DOLLAR INSURANCE POLICY??!?

Allow me to channel my inner Bill Simmons and drop an analogy for you in the form of one of my favorite childhood pastimes, Choose Your Own Adventure.

You’re in year nine of a very happy marriage. The first eight were incredible; you build a beautiful family, run for Senate and WIN! You couldn’t imagine what life was like without this woman of your dreams. Year nine tragedy strikes. A terrible car crash leaves your significant other paralyzed from the waist down, the doctors don’t think she’ll ever walk again. You of course stay with her, but the guilt of the accident is chipping away at you. There is absolutely no sex to be had, (come on you freak look at the condition she’s in) and every time you look in your photo album of “the good old days” you die a little more inside. The first 6 months after the accident, you barely even see her as she spends her days rehabilitating a traumatic injury to her legs. Her younger, less attractive sister starts helping you out to stabilize your devastated family. Sexless, depressed, lonely and confused you fall in love with her sister. Her intentions were purely to help, maybe find a man of her own sometime soon after, but simply having her around doing some of the things your now paralyzed wife did has made you delusional. You ask her to move in, purely temporarily and on a Platonic basis, and she accepts! Suddenly, A MIRACLE! Your wife! She’s walking again! Everything is coming back together, except for the fact that you’re now going to be living in an incredibly awkward situation with two women you’re in love with.

If you let the sister stay while crossing your fingers, hoping the obvious love triangle won’t ruin your family/career, turn to page “locker-room distraction.”

If you ask the sister to leave, then watch her marry an up-and-coming politician – only to have her husband run for Senate against you and win your seat 3 years later, turn to page “what could have been.”

If you kick your wife, whose rehabilitation is taking longer than expected, to the curb and divorce her, marry her sister and turn your family into a divided, dysfunctional disaster (your son can’t even look at you anymore), despite your mediocre success, turn to page “heartless monster.”

OR

If you’re me, you DON’T fall in love with the sister in the first place. Hey Matt, thanks for the year – you only made it the 2nd worst Patriots season of my lifetime. Appreciate the help but I got a quarterback, you may have heard of him, he threw for 50 touchdowns last season. I’m sure you’ll do fine in St. Louis next year with new head coach Josh McDaniels. And by fine I mean 14 TD’s 15 INT’S and 2100 yards.

Look, Tom Brady shaped my life as a sports fan more then any other person in my lifetime (sans my Uncle Rich who taught me to read box scores Summer of 93.’) I always loved sports (SI for Kids suscriber since 95′ and still going, just kidding …. kind of) but never really grasped the idea of rooting for a champion. Super Bowl XXXI was a bust, I had just watched the Yankees DOMINATE the mid-to-late 90’s and the Celtics were…well I’ll let Pitino sum up the Celtics for you (Larry Bird IS NOT WALKING THROUGH THAT DOOR.) Then in 2001, the greatest quarterback in our franchises’ history up to that point goes down in the 2nd game of the season thanks to a cheap shot from a hated player on a hated rival (although I’ve forgiven Mo Lewis since). Another lost season… until the 199th pick of the 2000 draft steps in, leads the team to an 11-5 record including 9 straight wins en route to a Super Bowl trophy.

When a local team wins the first championship of your lifetime, Cleveland fans can stop reading here, they become more than that “championship” team. I barely remember the 2004 Super Bowl (I blame college) but I remember every single thing about that 2001 AFC Championship game against Pittsburgh (Troy Brown punt return for a touchdown, Brady gets hurt, Bledsoe comes off the bench (hit the trifecta of mixed sports analogies, give your boy some dap please), throws a TD to David “You’ll never believe that I threw, ran and caught a TD in one game” Patten. Also, Kordell throws 3 picks , Pats block a 30 yard field goal, only to be picked up by Troy Brown before lateraling it brilliantly to Antwan Harris who returns it for a touchdown (if the AP voted league MVP after the postseason it would of gone to Brown that year, he was seriously that good.))

2001 Patriots are “that” team for me, and Tom Brady is “that” athlete. (My Uncle Rich had Troy Brown. So much so that on Troy Brown day in Blackville, SC he was front center for the Troy Brown parade. I couldn’t make this stuff up if I wanted to. Seriously, he has pictures.)

So to think that the Patriots will be paying a one year wonder 1 million less then a 1 in a million kills me. The thought of a team giving up a 1st and 3rd for Matt Cassel cracks me up, I didn’t see teams lining up for Derek Anderson last year. If we let Cassel walk, there’s no way he would’ve fetched more the 8 million per, let alone a 1st and 3rd. Two owners are crazy enough to give that up,  Al Davis and Jerry Jones, and one of them is half dead (I am of course talking about Jerry Jones, who mindlessly traded a 1st, 3rd and 5th for the rights to have both Roy Williams’ in the NFL).

One last thing, if Belichick/Pioli/Kraft pulls a Bill Walsh and ships Brady off to Minnesota for a 1st and 3rd then I’ll be bleeding purple and gold for the rest of my life. And if you think I’m bluffing, call it – I dare ya.

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January 6, 2009 - Posted by | Uncategorized | , , , , ,

4 Comments »

  1. Nice Site layout for your blog. I am looking forward to reading more from you.

    Tom Humes

    Comment by Tom Humes | January 6, 2009 | Reply

  2. Great read.

    If I were a Pats fan, I’d be mad too. What exactly is up with Brady…is he coming back.

    You are very lucky to have Brady.

    Comment by mdbirdlover | January 6, 2009 | Reply

  3. E-Money, keep in mind that in Tom’s first year he threw only 18 TD’s and 12 INT’s. Given the fact that Matt Cassell hadn’t started a game since high school and that the coaching staff played extremely conservative the first couple of games, his numbers are pretty impressive regardless of the fact he had the luxury of throwing to Moss and Welker. Also, keep in mind that those two as well as the rest of the receiving corp had to readjust to Cassell’s game after going through the motions with Tom for an entire Super Bowl run. Hopefully Tom will be back, and if that’s the case PLENTY of teams will be lining up to grab Cassell, putting the pats in a position to reap the benefits of a bidding war. If Dallas gave up a first round pick to get Roy Williams, there has got to be someone out there willing to throw a first rounder at a possible franchise QB. Tampa, Minnesota, Detroit, Chicago, San Francisco, and Kansas City all have some serious QB issues and have lots of picks to dangle out there.

    Comment by pgliddy | January 6, 2009 | Reply

  4. I’m right wit pgliddy. It’s like, maybe you’re wife’s sister is going to marry this rich congressman, but damn man, you practically got the dowry on that skank anyway. If downtown Brown wants to get his hands on that poon tang, he gon’ have to pay. And, nothing makes a beat skank look finer than talking her up…word to that.

    Comment by Juelz Santana | January 7, 2009 | Reply


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